Story
Eight
As much as I was thrilled to be on
WIBR/Baton Rouge, a top medium market station in a drive-time slot, that
station should have a special place in the Broadcasting Hall of Shame for
running two of the dumbest on-air contests ever (and they ran for years). One was called the Sorry, Wrong
Number Game.
On the altruistic bandwagon of
“encouraging everyone to drive safely,”
management made arrangements for the Baton Rouge City Police Department to call
the WIBR hotline every time there was an
accident within city limits. The on-air jock or our receptionist would
dutifully answer the phone and record the location. The jock then had to
immediately hit a God-awful Klaxon auto horn sound effect (sfx), announce the
location of the wreck, the new total number
of accidents for the day and “Remember the total for our next Sorry, Wrong Number Game.” The truly
asinine part of this “game” was that we had to hit this irritating sound and
recite all that crap, regardless of what
was on the air at the time (except of course, news or commercials). The only thing to interrupt --
MUSIC! The main reason people were listening! So here you are, singing
along with your favorite hit tune when all of sudden:
BWAAA-WAAA-BWAAA-WAAA… Baton Rouge City
Police have just informed WIBR of another accident, this one at the corner Dumb
and Dumber Streets. This brings our total to XX for the day. WIBR reminds you to please drive with greater care. And
remember our total (insert total again here)! Right now, we have XXX dollars in
the jackpot if you know the correct number of accidents the next time we play
the WIBR Sorry Wrong Number Game, coming up soon!
After reciting all that bull, you would
return to whatever was left of that spiffy tune you just interrupted, supremely
annoying a huge number of people who flat out didn’t give damn about some
fender bender.
Then there were the mechanics of the Sorry, Wrong Number Game itself. Here’s
how this exercise in nitwittery was played:
SFX: BWAAA-WAAA BWAA WASS
Female Voice: Sorry, Wrong Number!
Jock: Yes, it’s time once again to play
WIBR’s Sorry Wrong Number Game! I’m going to call a phone number chosen at random from the Greater Baton Rouge telephone directory. If this is your number,
just answer your phone with the correct number of accidents we have announced
on WIBR so far today, and you will win all the money
in the Sorry, Wrong Number jackpot, which right now totals XX dollars. The correct number of accidents reported in
Baton Rouge so far today is XXX, XXX.
Remember you must answer your phone with
that number.
I’m now dialing that number, chosen at
random from the Greater Baton Rouge telephone directory.
Place call on air.
Jock: The phone is ringing… (DUH).
Let phone ring five times. If no
answer, hang up.
Jock: There was no answer at (telephone
number) so no one wins all the money in the Sorry, Wrong Number jackpot. Stay
tuned for the next time we play the Sorry Wrong Number Game with XXX dollars in
the jackpot, and remember to drive with greater care.
If the caller answers with anything
other than the correct number of accidents:
Jock: Sorry, Wrong Number (and
IMMEDIATELY HANG UP)! As you heard, the party at (telephone number) did not
answer with the correct number of accidents. So now we’ll add (ready for this?)
**TWO DOLLARS** to the jackpot, making the new total XX dollars the next time
we play WIBR’s Sorry, Wrong Number Game. And remember to drive with greater
care!
If the caller answers with the correct
number, play Party Music Cart 100, congratulate the winner, get the name and
put him/her on hold.
Jock: Congratulations
to Furd Douchnozzle on Road Apple Road!
He answered his phone with XX, the correct number of accidents we’ve had in Baton Rouge so far today and wins all the
money, XXX dollars, in the Sorry, Wrong Number jackpot. Listen again for the next Sorry, Wrong Number Game when the
jackpot total will start over with (here it comes) **TWO DOLLARS**! We’ll increase
the total two dollars every time we get a
wrong answer on WIBR’s Sorry, Wrong Number!
(Jingle out or segue into stop set.)
The only radio game on the air that
highlights stupidity and carnage!
Hopefully, I’ve managed to convey the marrow-deep sense of how tedious,
insipid, boring and stupendously counterproductive this “game” was. Throw in
morbid while you’re at it. It was ridiculous to believe a dumb game was somehow
going to inspire the average moron driver to change his/her ways. I used to say
on the air that those involved in
accidents were listening to other stations and all this “encouragement” to
“drive with greater care” was a monumental waste of time. But the boss/owner,
Bob Earle, got the idea from a small consortium
of station owners in similar markets. The group met to trade or steal ideas
from each other that were (allegedly) creating
great ratings. Personally, I never saw or heard anything from anyone that
supported the notion the listener or advertiser gave a rat’s ass about the number
of accidents; even less having their favorite tunes interrupted. The only
people who got excited were the rare winners who got checks for $100-$200. At
$2 per answered call, it took forever to build the “jackpot” to an amount the
average person would find sufficiently attractive to listen through all the
bilge in the hopes that his/her phone would ring.
But wait! There’s more!
If the Sorry, Wrong Number Game wasn’t cringe-worthy
enough, there was the other WIBR brain-dead classic: the Meet
Your Neighbor Game. It went like this:
MEET YOUR NEIGHBOR SFX (mercifully I
have forgotten what it was…)
Jock: And now it’s time to play the
WIBR fun game (we actually called it that), Meet Your Neighbor! I’m
going to read a commercial message from one of our Meet Your Neighbor sponsors.
Then, I’m going to call a phone number chosen at random from the Greater Baton
Rouge telephone directory. If the person who answers the phone can tell me the
name of the sponsor I just mentioned, they’ll win all the money in the Meet Your
Neighbor jackpot – which right now stands at XX dollars!
Our Meet Your Neighbor sponsor right
now is Roadkill Restaurant (blah blah blah…) from the middle of the road to the middle
of your plate, unidentifiable but
guaranteed-fresh at Roadkill Restaurant!
(Dial phone but do not put caller on
the air.)
This what the listener heard:
Jock:
I’m calling the Dumbass family on Lobotomy Lane in Baton Rouge…. the
phone is ringing….
OK…there’s the third ring, two more
before I have to h… Hi! Is this Mr. Dumbass?
Great! This is Brian Wilson at WIBR Radio with the Meet Your Neighbor
Game, Mr. Dumbass. If you can tell me the name of the last sponsor I just
mentioned, you’ll win the XXX dollars in the Meet Your Neighbor Jackpot. Can
you give me that name, Mr. Dumbass?
Ohhhhh… that’s too bad, Mr. Dumbass! It
was the Roadkill Restaurant on Squish Road.
Right... well better luck next time, Mr. Dumbass, and thanks for playing Meet
Your Neighbor here on WIBR!
Well, as you heard, we didn’t get a
winner this time so I’m going to add (hang on now) **ONE DOLLAR** to the
jackpot, bringing our total to XXX dollars the next time we play the Meet Your
Neighbor Game!
(Jingle out.)
If the above wasn’t enough to kill-off
the most dedicated listener, there are a couple other things that made this
“game” an insult to any sentient being. First, with the caller kept off the air
-- for fear s/he would mention some OTHER
business -- what you didn’t hear
often went like this:
Jock:
Hi! Is this Mr. Dumbass?
Caller (Sleepy, grouchy voice, probably
a shift worker): Yeah?
BW:
Great! This is Brian Wilson at WIBR Radio with the Meet Your Neighbor
Game, Mr. Dumbass, and if you…
Caller:
Who? Beat Your What?
BW:
…if you can tell me the name of the last sponsor I just mentioned,
you’ll win the XXX dollars in the Meet Your Neighbor Jackpot.
Caller:
What the hell? Is this one of those stupid radio games? Who is this
waking me up?
BW:
Can you give me that name, Mr. Dumbass?
Caller:
I’ll give you more than that, you bastard! Who is this? I’ll come down
there and beat the crap outta you.
BW:
Ohhhhh… that’s too bad Mr. Dumbass. It was the Roadkill Restaurant on Squish Road. Right… well better
luck next time, Mr. Dumbass…
Caller:
You’re gonna be roadkill, asshole. Who the hell is this?
BW:
…and thanks for playing the Meet Your Neighbor Game here on WIBR!
Caller:
Your neighbor? What? Why I…
(CLICK)
BW: Well, as you heard, we didn’t get a
winner this time so…
This happened more times than you could
reasonably guess, or believe. On top of that, with no winner, adding a whopping
**ONE DOLLAR** to the jackpot sounded cheap and silly. Which it was. Because
Bob Earle (RIP) was cheap but never silly.
As you’ve probably guessed, when we did have a winner, the jackpot went back
to one dollar. Imagine the thrill of
waking up someone and telling them if they get the answer right, they’ll get a
buck! I implored Earle – at least start it at ten dollars! Nope. Not happening.
Didn’t happen. Never happened.
I hated that game.
Maybe it all worked out. After numerous
ownership and format changes, WIBR has been off the air for years!
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