This Is a Test

Over the years, EBS referred to the Emergency Broadcast System test, those glorious moments in show biz when radio and TV stations would interrupt otherwise compelling programming with some off-stage announcer sonorously intoning:  “This is a test. For the next 60 seconds, this station will conduct a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. This is only a test.”  It was always a thrill to have your show interrupted with one of these buzz kills; only the Chief Engineer would get a soaky.

Considering the events of the last couple weeks, forever ingrained in our memories as the 2013 DC Kubuki Shut Down, I’m petitioning the FCC to change this. With the War on Terror, Dirty Bombs, drones and other technological means of instant extermination, what good would an actual Warning do, coming in the middle of a Miley Cyrus twerk fest or another soporific Limbaugh Back Slapping marathon? It’s questionable whether the Elitists would have time to make such an “announcement” anyway since they’d all be Bunker Bound. My petition is to change the acronym to stand for Emergency Bullshit System. Every time a politicians speaks, voice recognition technology will set off that odd but irritating series of tones and noises - purported to be the recorded sounds of Nancy Pelosi’s coal-powered vibrator - that precede the coming EBS test.

Surely you can appreciate the crying need for this change. Judging from the nationwide yawns in response to President Clarabelle’s most recent petty, pre-pubescent behavior, people just don’t get it. Put more succinctly: where’s the outrage? This marriage of the EBS test sound effects triggered by the bovine excrement offered as Holy Shi….Writ by the Ruling Class just may wake the rumored Sleeping Giant, formerly known as the Silent Majority.

Think about it: During the past week, in petulant response to House Republicans’ ham-handed attempts at imposing Fiscal Responsibility on the insatiable Leviathan and the ensuing “shut down”, Barry ordered the Ocean closed, the Grand Canyon filled with smoke, even requiring privately-owned businesses on private property to close until the Shut Down slammed open. One wonders how Air was still available via the EPA or the Interstate Highway System remained open. Only in the Logic Free Zone is 85% “Fully Operational” considered a hobbling Shut Down. The insult to tourists and Veterans barred from DC monuments only paled in comparison to the execution of unarmed 34 year old Miriam Carey for the capitol offense of suffering Post Partum depression. And, possibly, reckless driving, the latter being a popular outdoor sport inside the DC beltway. That Ms. Carey’s 1 year old daughter got to witness her  mother been riddled with bullets “Up-Front-Close–And-Personal” was just another service provided by your DC Serve and Protect folks:

“Capitol Police Chief Kim Dine said that while the shooting remains under investigation, he was proud of his officers' "heroic" response and their overall efforts in protecting the Capitol campus and keeping it open for visitors.”

 “Heroic” - indeed.

The Emergency Bullshit system would have blown up by now but my petition is going in  anyway. Stay tuned for wacky action.


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